In a world full of hate, be love.

The Rise and Fall

mental health, head, vortex-5318191.jpg

It’s been a few years since I’ve posted but it seems the pendulum has swung back to the place that it was before. That place where he just gets up and walks out of the home and decides this isn’t for him. That place he went in November/December 2015 when our engagement ended as quickly as it started.

But this time, not only are we married.

We now live in Virginia.

And he promised he would never do it like this again. And I believed him. And he still did it.

And this is a much bigger mess that I didn’t see coming.

It’s been quite a ride. So many changes, so many obstacles, so much love, so much growth, so much, of just so much…

God, there has been so much.

Yet, even in the hardest times, I just knew we’d climb out and be okay….and for the most part, we did, until well, we just didn’t.

There’s always been some underlying issues. Always, but only recently was there a diagnosis that provided clarity to help us start to deal with them. Unfortunately, shortly after the diagnosis and switch in medication, he decided, in his words, he was in a marriage that he never would have entered had he not been mentally ill when it started, and he just didn’t want to be in it anymore. I kept praying that it was the shock of the diagnosis talking but he truly believes all these things fully and moved out, started a new life, and is trying to get a divorce ASAP. I mean, this all happened within a matter of a few weeks. We were filling out applications to move into apartments on the 14th of September, and days later, he was done, just done.
I am beyond devastated. I mean, this is my marriage, this is my future, this is the man I love, this is the man who told my girls he was going to adopt them, this is the man who I was supposed to grow old with. And just BAM, peace out? Like, how does anyone deserve this? How do I deserve this? How do I pick up these pieces and start over. I am so heartbroken, and just plain fucking sad. This situation is especially rough because I now know I can never expose my daughters to another person who can break their hearts the way this is all going down. I won’t be able to even have another relationship until they are grown. And yes, that emptiness and loneliness I feel is something I think about because I enjoy the companionship that marriage brings and I won’t be able to have it again.
I’ve tried to come up with all the reasons this should have happened to me. I’ve surely not been perfect but was this really what I deserved? I don’t think so but only One has the true answers so I may never know. What did I do that was so bad that my life has to be ruined in this way? Why does he get to just move on like none of this happened? Is this the mental illness talking now or was it really the mental illness during our marriage? He says he loves me and he cares and just wants the best for me but I still feel that he IS what is best for me. Our lives came together and just fit like nothing I’ve ever seen before. We had so many challenges and we always made it through together, and better, on the other side…things were just working out for us in so many ways, and now this. Why me, God? Why me?
My heart hurts, plain and simple. My heart hurts for myself. My heart hurts for my pure and beautiful Anaya who is very shattered about this situation and spent hours crying the other night. My heart hurts for my awesome Nyala who found the song, When I’m Gone, and started listening to that because it reminds her of Peter. My heart just hurts. And all I want is my husband and marriage back because even through all this pain and hurt, he is the one, I swear, it’s him. He’s magic, trouble too, but a lot of magic. And I know eventually, I will make it past all this but at this point, I’m overwhelmed with feelings of loss and grief and I don’t even know what to do.
Share This Post

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Related Posts

Zaina Marie

Personal Blog

Single Mom Life at 40+
-making memories & mistakes-

Zaina Marie

My Favorites