I just wanted happiness and a special person to share my life with. A special person to love and cherish and laugh with and grow old with. A special person who wanted to love and be loved and be a part of all of that.
But all I am left with is sadness. Sadness and a side of pain. I really just want to run away from all of this. I get small spurts of happiness throughout the day. I get to smile every once in a while, but I’ll be honest with you, I’m barely holding all of this together. I’m not functioning well at all. I feel alone. I feel bitter. I feel like he should be suffering, and I know he isn’t. He comes to visit the kids and he looks sad. He says he is sad, but I almost don’t believe he feels anything. How could he feel anything cause, if he felt anything, would any of this be happening?
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I know that eventually I will start to heal but after going back and re-reading all that we experienced before, I should have encouraged him to get help a long while ago. Then, maybe we wouldn’t be 3.5 years deep into a marriage that he feels he never should have been in. Eh, can’t change that now, but I’m just praying that the darkness I feel now slowly fades into something beautiful. I hope there is something amazing waiting for me at the end of this, like everyone keeps saying. I hope I can stand strong and hold my head high and be the awesome mother and friend that I know I can be.
But that will take time, I’m not there yet, nowhere near there….I just entered this tunnel and I feel like it’s about one million miles long. And I’m walking. So it seems that it will take a lifetime to even get close to true happiness again. So, today, there isn’t so much hope, I guess. Today, I am guessing I’ll be crying myself to sleep.