Sadness with a Side of Pain

I just wanted happiness and a special person to share my life with. A special person to love and cherish and laugh with and grow old with. A special person who wanted to love and be loved and be a part of all of that.

But all I am left with is sadness. Sadness and a side of pain. I really just want to run away from all of this. I get small spurts of happiness throughout the day. I get to smile every once in a while, but I’ll be honest with you, I’m barely holding all of this together. I’m not functioning well at all. I feel alone. I feel bitter. I feel like he should be suffering, and I know he isn’t. He comes to visit the kids and he looks sad. He says he is sad, but I almost don’t believe he feels anything. How could he feel anything cause, if he felt anything, would any of this be happening?

He feels it will be inappropriate to have contact with the girls once the divorce is final. It’s like he doesn’t realize how much they love him that he would just have a final point of contact in mind. I mean, why not let it just naturally fade away, why put a date on it. Anyway, I am struggling when I have to see him. It’s like, it’s this guy, who I still love very much, who is in the home that we were going to buy, and yet, he’s not mine anymore. It’s not P & Z anymore…it’s not. As he was leaving yesterday, he reached out to hug me and I flinched. I can’t have him touch me, cause I still love him. Gosh, I love him a lot. I love the dreams we had, I love the smiles we shared, I love the love we had. This is really, really hard. God, just guide me.

I know that eventually I will start to heal but after going back and re-reading all that we experienced before, I should have encouraged him to get help a long while ago. Then, maybe we wouldn’t be 3.5 years deep into a marriage that he feels he never should have been in. Eh, can’t change that now, but I’m just praying that the darkness I feel now slowly fades into something beautiful. I hope there is something amazing waiting for me at the end of this, like everyone keeps saying. I hope I can stand strong and hold my head high and be the awesome mother and friend that I know I can be.

But that will take time, I’m not there yet, nowhere near there….I just entered this tunnel and I feel like it’s about one million miles long. And I’m walking. So it seems that it will take a lifetime to even get close to true happiness again. So, today, there isn’t so much hope, I guess. Today, I am guessing I’ll be crying myself to sleep.