There’s So Much…

In 2014, when I made the decision to stop working, it was very, very, very difficult. I had worked since I was 16, pretty much. I didn’t know how life would look, as a single mother of two children, very little child support, living with family, very little savings. I just didn’t know what the future held. There was a delay in the plan to start school in 2014 and it was pushed off until 2015 but I still started. School started the same day that I met Peter and life for me changed.

He knew I had nothing and in many ways felt like I had nothing to give him. I asked why he thought he could deal with the baggage that came along with what this relationship would be. We talked about it extensively. Because I wanted to finish school so badly, I really had taken a step back and figured out the best way to get it done without stressing myself out and that was to not have a full time job, while raising my kids and having full-time commitments to my academics. And then he offered me this new life, this new start, this new chance to give my girls a safer, more stable environment and the promise of forever. I had it all worked out in my head. I’d be able to finish school, raise my babies, send them to decent schools in the area. The plan was set into motion because I listened to my heart and it told me I could trust this man. Oh, how wrong my stupid heart was.

And when things fell apart, actually, when he tore them apart because they didn’t just fall apart. It wasn’t like we both just grew up and started following different paths. He actually had to work to make everything fall apart. He purposely set out to ruin and sabotage this, and he did a great job of it. But when it started to decay, he actually forgot how to be human and kind and decent to me. I guess that is the part that upsets me the most. He still doesn’t see how much he messed up my life and it upsets me to the fullest that he can just go on without the stress of trying to figure out how to stand after he totally knocked me down.

This is so much easier said than done. Now, I have to change the direction of my life and the stress that has fallen upon me is greater than it was just a few mere months ago before I met him. He has greatly complicated my world but he still can’t even see it. He apologizes, often, but fails to truly sit down and hear me out on why his apology should be accompanied by a little effort on his end. Saying sorry doesn’t help me. Saying sorry doesn’t fix this. Saying sorry doesn’t change the damage. Saying sorry doesn’t aleviate the undeserved stress that he caused by allowing me to believe he was true to his word, his goals, his love, his life. He told me once that this was partly my fault for believing a guy I’d just met. I suppose but what about the fact that you actually played a game with my heart? And not just my heart, you played with my babies…you created this whole story….you gave us this sense of security and love and support and assurance. I mean, who does this? Who does all of this and then less than three months into all of it, just picks up and starts dating other people without even saying that you felt something was wrong. That is such a dangerous and evil way to treat people. So, no, sorry isn’t okay. Sorry doesn’t even begin to cover the smallest, least significant part of this relationship.

Some days, I have to close the blinds to the house because every white vehicle that drives by catches my eye. I still will have to see him at least one more time because he still has items here that he couldn’t move on the last trip. The other day, he sent a message saying he was sorry and it just made me angry. Why do you say these things? You don’t mean it, you can’t mean it. Cause hell, when I’ve done something to hurt somebody, when I say I’m sorry, it’s accompanied by, how can I fix this or how can I make it better. He told me I was kicking him while he was down when I responded to some of the reasons I think he does feel sorry but really isn’t. I think he forgot that he told me that our relationship was a mistake. I think he forgot he told me I didn’t have a strong work ethic. I think he forgot that he insinuated I was lazy. I think he forgot that he handed me this dream life, this awesome little world and ripped it away. Talk about kicking someone who is down, I think he forgot what he did to me. I just can’t even begin to understand his pain when he deliberately and meticulously tore my world up. Now, instead of just being able to pursue my degree and raise my babies, he made it impossible. He’s done the very thing I didn’t want, made my life overwhelmed and stressful and unpredictable and hard. I don’t think he understands the situation he put me in. Furthermore, I don’t think he cares.

Heartless. There’s no other way to explain it than heartless. How can there be people allowed to walk the earth with such heartless intentions. How is any of this fair? I still don’t know what I did to deserve this. I get a lot of I’m sorry this happened to you or At least you found out before you got married or things along that sort but I still can’t figure out why me?

I must be having a bad day…I was trying to be positive today but something triggered this hurt and pain and I just can’t wash it away as easily as I wanted to.

I hate him for making me dwell on this…I wish he’d never entered my life if he could cause this much damage in just 5 months…..