It’s pretty lonely around here for the most part. I dance around and jump around and act crazy but most of my days are simply lonely.
No kids, no Peter, not much of anything.
And yesterday, for some reason, I had a minor break down.
I got up and started the crockpot…a nice big pot roast with mushrooms, onions and potatoes. Just for me. I shoveled the driveway and sidewalk. I put the trash and recycle containers on the street, I cleaned the bathroom and the floors of all the rooms downstairs, except the office and the playroom, on my hands and knees. I put the extra leaves in the table to see how long it was. I just did a lot. I felt like I accomplished some things and that felt good but…
He was home briefly, as is his new normal. Shower, change clothes, leave again. He said he found a new place and hoped to be out this coming weekend. Good and bad. Good as I can start to heal without having to see him, bad because it finalizes everything and I’ll likely never see his face again. And I pretended to be okay, cause I need to be okay. I need to let this relationship die, completely, and like him, pretend it never happened.
But the feelings of lonliness just come back to haunt me after a while. I folded up his shirts from the dryer and put them in his bedroom and just stood there. Smelling him, imagining him, loving him, missing him, accepting he was simply gone…
And I cried. Big huge tears rolled down my face because I know it’s over and I couldn’t make it work. I couldn’t make him love me, or want me, or stay with me. My heart was just weak and sad and alone. And I couldn’t function.
And I pray to God and ask Him to heal my heart and help me see my true path. I ask Him to turn off the love just as quickly as Peter seemed to have lost the love he once had for me. And it’s not happening. It’s still so fresh of a wound and I never wanted this to happen again and I let it happen.
And I’m still sad about it today. And I’ll be sad for a while.
