***I actually started this post a month ago but never truly finished it until today, May 10th***
Have you ever had a birthday wish come true? I honestly can’t recall, in all of my years of making birthday wishes, that there was a time when what I there wishing for, actually happened. And the speed in which that wish was delivered, well, I believe in signs so, yes, I let it happen. My babies sang to me, I made my wish, blew out my candles and less than two hours later, my wish came true.
Why did I make the wish? I did it because I knew it wouldn’t happen. I knew that no matter how much I kept wanting it, that it was impossible. I made the wish because it would finally force me into new beginnings. And, for some crazy reason, The Universe made it happen. Seriously, after looking back, I am honestly just amazed something came true.
Oh, Dad, anam atu anya gi. I’ve been talking to him about my problems for years and somehow, he always sends a sign that he can hear me, that no matter what the problem or issue or heartbreak or tragedy or battle I am fighting, there is always hope in the situation. Through songs, he tells me not to give up or he tells me to give it up or he tells me that I’m strong or he tells me to go the other way or he simply tells me to follow my heart. I go to him, and listen to music and find the right way to go from his direction. Okay, so, it may seem weird and odd but I’ve been doing this for over 10 years, and it’s the only thing that helps me through some of the tough days. Anyway, I think he had something to do with all this, too.
I wished for Peter. I wanted to see him, to hear him, to hug him, to hold him and it happened. He probably remembered it was my birthday, but perhaps he didn’t. Either way, he sent a text, we spoke of how me missed each other, he got in his car and came over and we enjoyed a wonderful evening and a few hours of sleep wrapped up in each others arms. It almost was like the last three months had never happened. He felt like home and I never wanted him to leave.
And then came all this shit! I mean, we’d take a step up, three back, four up, seven back, nine up, eleven back. All of a sudden, everything became, just crazy. There is no other way to put it. He opened up and shared so much and then he’d retreat. We talked every day, all day long sometimes and then the next day, it was like pulling teeth to get anything from him. Every other day, he was moving or staying or moving or staying or losing his job or transferring. We could fix us, then we couldn’t, we were getting back together, and then we were weren’t, we had to be closer in our relationship and then we couldn’t be together at all.
He’d come over and sit with me for hours and then go home. We’d kiss and hug and talk and kiss and hug some more. He’d say he was on his way and then he’d not show up. But, dumb me, just figured he was working through it and he would see, we just belonged together. Eventually, he’d just move back in and we would be our happy family. He was the one bringing up marriage and he was the one who said he couldn’t stop thinking about us and he was the one who missed the girls and he was the one making plans for the future. So why would I think he would up and leave again.
I can’t explain the love I have for this man. It’s the most intense and satisfying feeling I may have ever had. These few weeks, when we’ve been in each other’s arms, nothing else has mattered. What he did or I did in each others absence, whatever untruths or truths…nothing, NOTHING at all mattered. It was like November was happening all over again and we’d never split apart.
Last week, when he left after spending the night to go to work, he said we were getting married. We’d take a weekend trip to Nashville for a quick honeymoon. He didn’t need a church, we’d simply just go to the Justice of the Peace and he had been thinking about it for while and it’s just what he wanted. I was ALL IN. I was ready. I’d put on a purple dress, buy some white flowers at a florist, and we’d have a simple, private ceremony, just Peter and me, and all this back and forth would be over. It would just finally be the way it was supposed to be.
Until it wasn’t….
And then he decided he didn’t need me in his life anymore. How could you make wedding plans with me one day and then say you need to walk away the next.
And now I had to erase his completely from my life. All text, all pictures, all everything. Delete, delete, delete.
As much as he feels like home, as much as my heart holds on to his memory, that’s is all he needs to be, a memory. And I pray in the coming days and weeks and months, that I’m able to start to heal again because I feel like he just broke off the engagement again with a feeling of heartbreak so fresh in my soul but I’ll be okay, I’m sure.
And this will be the end because I’m closing the door.
Goodbye crazy man. If you don’t see my value, someone else definitely will….
