Below is a portion of his side of the hour and a half long talk we had…
I can’t be here when you’re here because I did f*ck up.
I freaked out and I’m sorry for that.
I was in a really bad situation when you met me so I moved way faster than I should have.
I’m not trying to make your life miserable, I’m just trying to make my life better.
I’m freaking out spending all this time at Denny’s.
Because I do feel guilty.
Because you are a nice person.
And I did put you in a bad situation.
And I feel like sh*t about it and that’s why I can’t be here.
And I dont want to deal with that
And I don’t want to deal with me feeling like sh*t
I’m not a good person, which we know
I’m a sh*tty f*cked up person
And rather than deal with all of this, I’m just trying to hide it
And wait it out and make it be done so I can just pretend it never happened
I say I want you out and I use the excuse because I’m paying for it but it’s really because I feel like sh*t and I want to have all this over with so I can pretend it never happened so I don’t have to deal with again until I flip out in some insane asylum in a few years
That’s the real reason I want you to go so soon, so I don’t have to think about it
I’m sorry for such a schizophrenic conversation
I know that eventually everyone will hate me in this whole world
It’s better if I sabotage things because it’s better that I know that I did it
I know I’m going to burn for everything that I have done
There’s no hope
Seems pretty normal to me
This is kind of the way that all my relationships end
I’d rather let you down on purpose
Part of me thinks this will all go away by itself
This person obviously thinks that I’m alright so fake it ’til you make it
Didn’t work out that way this time but maybe next time it will be different
I don’t know how else to do it though
I don’t feel like I can get any help from anybody
Since I can’t crash and burn, I just have to fake it ’til I make it
I have no choice but to continue to live like this
It’s hard to live like this
Most days in general if I stay busy then it’s okay but when I sit down and relax, it’s bad
I just don’t stop
It’s a good think you’re getting out, lucky
It’s the first time I’ve told anyone how I think, like for real
No one else has heard about any of this
I’ve always done a better job of just getting them to hate me then they leave
I wish you could just hate me
It’s easier
I was hoping you would hate me enough to not want to talk to me about anything ever
I hate being around you because you know that truth, that’s why I hate it
I don’t like the way you look at me because you know
You look at me like you’re sorry for me
I’m really good at not showing it and I’m really good at pretending everything is okay
Really good at it and that’s why you couldn’t tell
I wish I wasn’t so good at it
Everything changes so fast with me
Everything about me changes so fast, there really is no me
Everything changes all the time
It’s gets to be more than I can stand
Just have to keep on doing this until my body gives out and there’s nothing left
I’m as sick as I ever have been now
I’m to the point now where I can’t even eat hardly
I’m not well and I don’t know what to do
And if I keep talking to you, I’m just going to break down
I can’t, there is no one to take care of me
I don’t want to break down on you
I don’t want you to have to deal with it
It’s not your problem
It’s my fault, it’s fine
It’ll be alright
It didn’t work because I’m crazy
I want you to hate me
I have to make sure I’m not too comfortable because when I’m too comfortable, I start thinking about things
I don’t know how to change it
I know that when I don’t, I’m going to crash and burn and then I’ll be useless for a while
I’m going to shower and shave and get cleaned up a little bit and pretend I have somewhere to go so I feel good about myself
I try really hard but then I can’t keep doing that with you and I don’t know why
You’re the only person I can’t keep being as asshole to
That’s another thing I don’t like about you is that I have to be honest with you and tell you how I feel and I don’t like that
I’m dealing with the fact that I told you and when you see me I know that you know what I’m like and then I can’t pretend and I have to deal with it and I feel like shit
After his shower, we hugged. We had a really good hug. And as he walked to his car, I yelled to him that I loved him, he said something back but I didn’t hear it, exactly. This journey is almost over but I don’t change as fast as him. There is going to be a lot of love in my heart for a very long while. Eventually, it will start to fade…
I’m sad that he can pretend I never happened. I wish Will Smith could zap me, too. It would make dealing with the tragedy of these last four months a lot easier.
