This was such a great day. November 14th, I remember it like it was yesterday. That day, we woke up and had an appointment to check out a wedding venue, The O’Neil house. It would be beautiful for a small intimate group. We’d stay in the room at the top of the hallway that night.
Peter and I looked at the entire place. The lady there was actually from Wisconsin. It was kismet. Everything with us was kismet. We fit.
And then, we had lunch at the Mexican restaurant down the street. And we talked about what our wedding would be like and agreed The O’Neil house was perfect. We went to Summit Mall, he was looking for shoes. And we stopped in a suit place. And we had a great day.
That evening, we attended my aunt’s belated birthday party. She fought leukemia and won. We thought we were going to lose her in December 2014. She went to the hospital cause she was sick, and Aunt Karen, never complained of being sick. And then it got really serious, really fast when we found out it was leukemia. She fought so hard and this day, we were celebrating her 50th birthday, had happened 10 months earlier but couldn’t be celebrated because she was in a medically induced coma. She fought, and she beat leukemia. Look at her. That is the face and the smile of pure joy! I had so much fun dancing with my kids and family and friends. I even got Peter to dance a little bit but he’s not a dancer, lol…
But that next week, Aunt Karen got sick. And we found out leukemia, that vicious monster, invaded her body again. And she said, okay, let’s fight. But the chemo wasn’t helping. The chemo was rough. And her body couldn’t take it. After two rounds, she said she was tired. She said she lived a full life. She said she couldn’t do another round. And she started to prepare us for her journey home. We cried. We begged God to fix her. We prayed for a miracle. We wanted her to stay here with us. But we got to love her. We got to spend so much time together. We got to hear funny stories. And we got to laugh. And we got to see her smile. And we got to make new friends. And we became closer. And when she saw a commercial for a fish sandwich, I got to go buy it for her. And when she had final conversations with those closest to her, there was sadness. And we got to prepare for her departure.
But, the thing that I noticed the most, was her husband. No one is perfect, they had their share of ups and downs, and some bad days in between. But he took care of her so well. He tried his hardest to make sure she was comfortable, and needed for nothing, and stayed by her side through it all. He dropped everything to be with her. He focused all this strength on her, especially in the last few months.
And on March 4th, while we were all gathered at the house, and were gathered about to sing Happy Birthday to my mother, she reached over to grab her little sisters hand, and realized that the line Aunt Karen had been saying wasn’t moving, had finally moved and they now shared birthdates. Ones birth into Earth and the other, her birth into Glory.
Four months ago. Life was so good four months ago. And now, I feel so cheated. I know, I have so much to be thankful for but inside, I’m still so very broken, so very damaged, so very simply sad. On the day this picture was taken, I had no idea the pain I was about to hit. No idea the losses that we were about to have. No idea that our world was about to crash and burn. And even though the flames aren’t visible from far away, they still flicker and dance and hurt and burn.
Today, Aunt Karen was laid to rest. And all I have wanted for this past week was the comfort of being wrapped up in someone’s arms who would hold me tight and help me through this. And I don’t have it. And that is painful, more than I can even begin to explain. I do have my kids, who have been so kind and so beautiful. It’s amazing how much they try to figure out at the ages of 4 and 2. Their view of the world is just so pure and sweet.
But I miss love. And I guess, I do wonder if I ever have really had it. I guess that is truly what breaks my heart even more, the realization that I have been madly, truly, deeply in love with three different men, in my adult life, and looking back and knowing there is no way they actually loved me the way I deserved to be loved. I do think there is a perfect guy out there for me, somewhere but until he falls into my life, I’ll keep my attention towards God. I trust that He will bring me what I need in my life, and keep what I don’t need out of my life. My goal is to be Close to Him. Rest peacefully Aunt Karen. Enjoy Heaven. Hope many angels ushered you in and now you can rejoice where there is no more heartache, and no more pain.
