It’s Not Possible but…

I do. I want that happiness. I want that love. I want that safety. I want that companionship. I want those promises. I want that dream. I want it all.

Some days, I can completely admit that two months ago, I was pretty damn happy. Despite the lies I wasn’t aware of, my life felt good. Newly engaged, looking at venues for a wedding, together. Trying on dresses at bridal shops with Anaya. Talking about our future and making plans. Being a family. Life growing. Everything was just the fairy tale that I thought I finally had earned after all the crazy shit I’d experienced in my life. I really thought my knight in shining armor, with red hair, blue eyes and a gentle touch had arrived.

I told Peter he broke me. That I don’t see myself ever being the same again. I’ll never believe in fairy tales and knights in shining armor. I really loved having hope that those existed, even after 35 years in this world, I still had hope of a sliver of that happening and now, those silly child-like fantasies are gone. I told him I had healed from my sham of a marriage when I met him and he told me that maybe I thought I had healed but really didn’t. I’m definitely sure I had healed because I knew I never belonged with Matt, my ex-husband, in the first place. I had to force everything in our relationship. Everything a man should just want to have and do with his family, I had to tell him to do over and over again. He wasn’t social in any way, he thought life was a joke and treated it as such about 75% of the time. I know I never should have married him but after putting in the time, I just figured that was the next step. That time, I knew I messed up.

So then I thought time was ready. I wasn’t fully stable in some ways but Peter happened and everything was too amazing to put into words. To have him tell me he has perfected the art of what he did to me took away my belief that I know what is good for me. I started to think that maybe finding someone to just replace that space that just been emptied out would work but my ability to trust hasn’t even started to find itself.

So, I’m reminded of what Dr. Gregory House would always say…

I’m not ready or really even thinking about adding another person to this equation. I’ve got about 7 of the hardest years of my life in front of me so that I earn my PhD by 2023. I have spent a good deal of my life dealing with liars and cheats and manipulators and men who are playing games without having true intentions and honoring me for the amazing woman I have been to them. I really do deserve a great man but there’s so much trash out there, and I don’t have the desire to even start sifting through it to find someone worthwhile.

I can’t rewind time. I can’t go back to when I didn’t know this crazy life. I can’t go back to when I didn’t know he existed. I can’t take back the marriage. I can’t take back anything. I just know I wasn’t built to break so I have to find my own strength!