I can’t explain how the perfect love story ends. I can’t unbreak us. I can’t hold on. I can’t see the end of the tunnel and I’m going to allow myself one last day to hurt and to cry and to feel sad and down.
“I don’t live here anymore,” is what he said today. No more clothes. No more toothbrush. There’s just a few things left and he’s hoping to have those out this week.
I just wanted to hold his hand one last time but he hugged me instead and the tears flowed and my heart sank and I felt the final breath of our relationship pass away.
We made a good life, in ten days. And by all means, I know it was quick. I knew what we were doing and I was caught up in a moment, and it felt right, and we just fit until, until we didn’t. We really, really did have a deep and loving and amazing relationship and then, he got scared. He got scared and he threw it all away, never realizing that it was just meant to be. I would have helped us through it all. I would have comforted him and held him and moved mountains to fix this. I would have moved mountains. A part of me can admit that if he still loved me and wanted to fix it, I would move mountains now.
He knows where life went wrong for us, he says. He knows that he could have stopped it. He still says that what I believe to be true isn’t quite what it is. He never meant for this to happen, he never was malicious in his thoughts or actions. He got confused and in that state of mental deficiency, everything went wrong and he fell apart which caused us to fall apart.
As I gave him one last hug before he walked out the door, he said, “I loved you, ” and that means he doesn’t love me anymore. We miss each other, I love him but he can’t say that he loves me and I mean, that’s not a shock. He is very much past the point of reurning, and I know that. He still says he doesn’t know what to do and I know what I want him to do, I know what my heart says he should do. But those aren’t options for him any longer. He doesn’t want to be here, with me, with us, creating that dream that he saw for us just a few months ago. How can all that have changed so quickly?
I have to accept that Peter Brown isn’t the man I’m supposed to move mountains for. All those perfect parts of our relationship just weren’t what I thought they were. The way he did everything he said he would, the way he looked at me, the way he laughed together and loved together…all of that was getting me ready for something bigger in life. Not necessarily another relationship, God knows I don’t need that in my life right now…but something bigger than I just can’t see yet. Right now, I have to concentrate on moving the mountains that stand in front of me and my girls. They depend on their Mommy to be healthy and happy and to love them more than anything. So, that is what I am going to do.
But I’ll get back to that tomorrow.
Today, I need to cry and mourn and grieve my losses.
