I don’t think he knew it was coming. And I almost felt a little bad, only almost. After all that he had put me through over the past month, in a way, his world falling apart was necessary. He needed to have some sort of situation happen where he might see the hurt and pain he causes people, not just me, but all those before me, the ones to come. Maybe he’d change his ways. Maybe he’d try to be honest. Maybe he would find himself and learn to love himself because he was broken. A very broken man and he needs help. Lots of help. And he isn’t ready to actually get it so more people will be hurt along the way.
I talked to his sister yesterday. Another conversation where more and more of Peter’s past came out. I found out more about him than I expected and his sister also heard stories that were told about her that were false. Very false. I felt bad. I didn’t understand why he’d felt the need to create this person who didn’t really exist. I didn’t fall in love with him because of any of this stuff, it was so unnecessary. It made no sense.
Well, when he got home for Christmas Eve, he had to deal with his sister. He had to face some truths. He had to hear that he isn’t as clever as he thought. He hadn’t been as slick as he hoped. He just had not been real and he’d hurt people. He’d lied. And his history is full of women who’d all been in the same boat and his future would be the same. People like this don’t change. Not people like this. People who easily change the story of their lives. They add in or subtract what they don’t think is great and replace it with something else. They forget to mention things at the start. They cover up and gloss over and get to the point where they don’t even know the truth of the story anymore. They don’t even know what’s real and not because they’ve made up so much that instead of just dealing with it, they run away from everyone and everything and just start up something new. And then a few months later, they do it again. And again. And again. And somehow, he was doing it again.
After running away from his sisters home during the confrontation, Peter started texting me, and then he called me and we were on the phone for over an hour. It was awful. It was awful because I no longer knew who this man was. He wasn’t the Peter who gently touched me on our first date. He wasn’t the Peter who promised to love me forever. He wasn’t the Peter that stood firm against my friends when they questioned why he was moving so fast. He wasn’t the Peter that proposed to me just two months ago. He wasn’t the Peter I loved and adored and lived so deep in my heart.
Over and over he’s said that he wishes he could tell me the truth. That he can’t tell me what they have him doing. I don’t know if this is just some crazy talk or if really, he’s involved in something and really can’t share what it is. And why would he be involved in something like this anyway. It just doesn’t make sense, it just doesn’t.
All of this has broken my heart. Who did I fall in love with? Who’d gotten down on one knee and asked me to marry him? Where was that guy and why couldn’t I have him back?
There was so much said during that conversation. And yet, it actually accomplished nothing at all. But his world fell apart, for a little bit at least, though I’m sure he’s pretended it didn’t and will return to being the same person he was and not skip a beat.
