It’s a been a while, and yet, it has really only been two months. I’d like to forget the last few months have happened at all because the insanity of it is quite unbearable. But, I’m still standing…even though I’m overwhelmed, tired, shocked, hopeless, and a variety of other emotions all at once.
There is so, so, so, so much! So much deceit, and so many fabrications, and an enormous amount of lies. And while I continue to tell myself that his mental illness is the driving force behind a lot of this mess, it’s still quite difficult to separate my feelings and not take it a sign there is something wrong with me.
I strongly believe we wake up daily making a decision to love who God has put in our lives. We choose if we want to devote our time, our patience, our kindness, our effort, our love to the people who are in our lives and the part that hurts is that for so long, I have made the choice to love someone who made the choice to give and show love (or at least lust) to people that were not me. Yes, again, I know that mental illness ruined our lives but he continued to make the choice to not allow me to help him so that we could get back to what he promised the day he became my husband.
One day, he sent me two dozen beautiful roses, and two days later, I’m getting a phone call from a woman he moved down to AL with him. He’d told her he had been divorced for a year, and that he only talked to me about the van and a multitude of other mistruths and falsehoods and lies….so many lies. I can hardly believe some of the things he told her, all the while telling me how lonely he was and how he spent all his time alone and how he wished we could be together. He cried to me on Facetime after buying an iPhone so that he had the ability to Facetime me…he just can’t be honest, for some reason. I was encouraging him to find someone to spend his time with, I know he needs someone in his life at all times, he can’t be alone and he was insistent that wasn’t happening. It was simply insane. And when I finally was able to confront him about it, he continued to just lie and lie and lie. He is so beyond broken.
Broken mind. Broken brain. Broken thoughts. Broken feelings. Everything, absolutely everything about him, it’s broken. I can’t imagine the turmoil and pain and emptiness and the amount of BS running through his mind every single second of every single day. Even now, he chooses to tell me things I know aren’t true, aren’t real, aren’t completely factual. I love him anyway. And I always will. There was such a connection, such a magical connection that happened that day with the fireworks. He worked so hard to make me smile, and make me happy and, even now, he still does things to give me happy moments.
But right now, the world is going through something so unprecedented, unknown, and unpredictable. We are experiencing a problem greater than anyone that we’ve seen. Life is strange, and weird, and while our divorce is pending paperwork being completed, at this time, neither of us have put effort into really moving forward. This past week, he was here for a day to pick up the van and neither of us really dedicated ourselves to completing this paperwork. He still feels comfortable. It’s so easy to be near him. I want to be angry at him, and I want to hate him, honestly. I want him to not take up space in my heart, in my mind, in my life, but he does, he does so much. We still talk daily. Whether it’s several texts, phone calls, online messages, emails…he is still so much of my life, and I don’t know how to stop it. We will discuss cutting ties and yet, we just don’t. I know that I am the one who needs to set and implement the boundaries as his illness doesn’t allow him to but it’s extremely difficult and I fail each and every time to do so.
And now there is Coronavirus….it’s changing our daily lives in ways no one would have even imagined. It’s absolutely the worst thing to happen. Schools are closed for months to come, people are becoming ill in rapidly increasing numbers and dying quicker than anyone would ever want to happen. People are working from home and businesses are closed. People are getting laid off and let go at record breaking numbers and states are requesting or demanding that people stay in place and don’t travel or leave their homes. Never ever could we have imagined this would be happening. I suppose this sense of isolation is also giving me pause to move forward with any decisions now as well.
It will happen, I’m sure. I just am not so stressed about getting it done when it feels like the world is crumbling around us…who knows what else will come out of this awful situation but I stay hopeful that life will one day make sense again. I can’t imagine how much else is going to happen but I’m praying there is happiness to come and I welcome it in every way possible.
